I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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