i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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