I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
