you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
