woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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