U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
