when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
