I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
