Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
