YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
