i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she pinky promised me she was 18
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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