i don't like sucking hair
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize