i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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