the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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