Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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