It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
