OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
