I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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