i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
