I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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