I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
