The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
