I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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