Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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