There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
