More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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