At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
