I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
