similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
