I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
