I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
