turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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