If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
