Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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