i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
