I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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