life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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