I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Everclear isn't food dammit
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
