how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
