she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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