while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
