I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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