So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize