Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
