Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
