some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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