i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There r osticjed everywhere
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
