Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
