I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
