i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
