I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize