I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
