Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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