a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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