I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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