i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
