I showed him my bush... on skype.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
