First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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