Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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