You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sext me about skeletons
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
