Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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