She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
