i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
