I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
