I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
